


head first, and no regrets

by celestial_lights



Series: shukita future fics [1]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Adoption, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Future Fic, Introspection, M/M, let my children be happy together, who is also happy, with their child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:56:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15077615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestial_lights/pseuds/celestial_lights
Summary: Ren and Yusuke bring their daughter home. Yusuke experiences self-doubt.(future fic, can be interpreted as canon universe)





	head first, and no regrets

They received the call they had been waiting for just as the sun began to rise.

Immediately, they had rushed out of their bed. Ren called his boss, letting him know he’d be beginning his leave effective immediately, while simultaneously putting on the first pair of jeans he could find.

Both gave a quick look at the nursery, empty for the final time, before they left to their car.

Ren’s knuckles were white around the steering wheel as he blazed through the highway, quiet in the early haze of a spring dawn. Yusuke rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before fidgeting with strands of hair in front of his face.

“This is really happening,” Ren mused. Yusuke smiled warmly, albeit shakily, while placing a hand on Ren’s shoulder.

Fifteen or so minutes had passed when Ren pulled the van into the hospital parking lot. Yusuke held him close to his side, rubbing slow circles into the small of his back while they walked in.

\--

While waiting, Ren pondered on the situation before him. Adoption was their first choice from the beginning; they didn’t want to put the strain of surrogacy on any of their friends (as much as Haru insisted she would take up the offer). As unorthodox as the idea was in Japan, if they could prevent another unwanted child from going into an orphanage or group home, they would make it happen, stigma be damned.

With both of them having connections in the social work sector, Ren via his government job and Yusuke’s regular fundraising, it appeared they would take anyone in. The couple, however, couldn’t shake the thought of being able to have a newborn to care for. They longed for the experience of raising an infant, of going through every single aspect of parenthood, good and bad.

The difficulty that came with attempting to adopt from an orphanage seemed to lead them toward that path anyway.

When their agency connected them with an expecting teenage mother, it seemed as if the stars had finally aligned for the couple. The entire process had taken its toll on them: after their marriage became official came finding the agency in the first place, going through mountains of paperwork, not to mention what they were doing was nearly unheard of in Japan.

It’d be false to say the couple didn’t spend multiple nights wide awake, afraid all their work would be for naught, yet still trying to reassure each other that it would be worth the wait in the end. They were grateful they could even have this option at all. All they wanted was a little baby in their arms, to cherish and love.

And now that end was looming closer and closer.

It was one of the most terrifying moments in their lives.

In particular, Ren’s anxiety probably showed with the hurried tapping of his sneakered feet against cold linoleum. Or maybe it was his habit of finessing a curl of hair around his fingertips. Regardless, Yusuke pulled him out of his thoughts with a warm, affectionate kiss to the cheek, even though he was practically shaking himself. _Any minute now_ , he softly told his husband.

His reassurance of ‘any minute’ turned into multiple hours in the little waiting room they were directed to stay in. Sunlight rose above the horizon, beaming through the windows; it was turning into a perfect morning. Yusuke pushed aside the idea of attempting to capture it, mainly because he left his travel art supply kit at home. Even then, he knew now wasn’t the appropriate time to be thinking of art.

A nurse came in through the double doors to their far right. The noise jostled Ren, who was nearly asleep, from Yusuke’s shoulder. He murmured a quick apology to Yusuke, who nodded back in understanding.

The nurse herself waited until Ren was awake before walking over, file and clipboard in hand.

“Amamiya-Kitagawa?” she asked as she flipped through the file folder.

Yusuke immediately jumped up to his feet, slightly disorienting Ren, who was just beginning to stand up. “Yes, is something the matter?” Yusuke asked. Ren stood up by his side, gripping his husband’s hand tightly. He looked at the nurse, desperate for any information. They felt out of the loop this entire time, although they also assumed that no news was good news.

“The complete opposite,” the nurse said cheerfully. “Please, follow me.”

She deftly guided them through the halls of the hospital’s maternity ward before coming up to a set of glass double doors. She guided them into the nursery with a soft smile and a ‘congratulations’ as she directed them further to an incubator toward the end of the room.

“Your daughter is right over here,” the nurse said. Ren and Yusuke’s eyes widened as they exchanged surprised looks before beaming at each other. The couple, previously to the point of shaking with anxiety, were now almost laughing in pure happiness. Yusuke’s immediately enveloped Ren in a tight hug.

“Dear, did you hear that? A girl. We have a daughter,” he murmured into Ren’s ear. He couldn’t believe it. This tiny little being, swaddled in a pink blanket, sleeping contentedly, was _theirs._

They could vaguely hear the nurse talking to them about observation, but the majority of what she said flew over their heads.

They couldn’t help but stare in awe at the newborn. Ren leaned forward to be able to see his child’s face beyond the hospital-standard hat and swaddled blanket. All he could distinguish was a tuft of black hair peeking out of the cap and her face, flushed pink. He gingerly placed his hand on the incubator, afraid that any movement would disturb her.

His heart broke at the numerous monitors she was hooked up to. Even though the nurse insisted it was only to make sure she was healthy, the thought of their daughter being restricted and probably uncomfortable or even worse, in pain-

Then her mouth opened and closed in a small yawn, settling into the softest of smiles.

Ren and Yusuke melted at the sight.

“C-can I hold her?” Ren began to ask. The nurse nodded an affirmative.

“Of course, she’s stable for the most part,” the nurse said before directing the couple to seats nearby (presumably there for just this occasion) while she carefully brought the infant out of her incubator, taking care to disconnect the cords attached to her.

“There, support her neck… perfect. You’re a natural,” the nurse said, hands hovering over Ren’s arms to guide him until he had her safely in his arms.

Ren felt an overwhelming sense of protection, as if his instincts were telling him he needed to defend this little girl from everything the world brought upon her. He knew right there that he was ready to take on parenthood head first with everything he could muster.

He looked at his husband behind him, beaming in pride. Yusuke held his closed hand to his upturned lips while looking at his new family in front of him.

Yusuke sniffled, unable to control the tears rolling down his cheeks. He had a _daughter_ now. A perfect baby girl he would be able to watch grow up with the love of his life. He knew that he had to provide for her what he was denied through his own childhood; he wanted nothing more than to give her as much love and affection as possible.

 “Her mother insisted on naming her,” the nurse said quietly. “This is Kiyoko,” she continued, pointing briefly to the butterfly-shaped sticker on the incubator with her name on it.

“…Kiyoko Amamiya-Kitagawa,” Ren whispered. “What a mouthful.”

“She’ll certainly grow into it. Kiyoko… hmm. Her kanji means ‘pure child’. It suits her quite well, don’t you think?” Yusuke replied. As if she understood what he had said, Kiyoko shifted slightly in Ren’s arms, trying to determine where the sound was coming from.

A thought crossed Ren’s mind. “How is her mother doing?” he asked the nurse, who was at this point across the room, working on paperwork. She looked up from the file she was reading.

“Given the circumstances, she handled everything quite well. She’s just resting with her family now,” she replied.

“We shouldn’t bother her, then,” Yusuke said.

Ren looked up for a brief moment. “Can… can we stay here for a little while longer?” he quietly asked.

“Of course,” the nurse replied. “Take your time.”

\--

The couple came home with Kiyoko a week later, with reassurances that her birth mother could visit at any time. Yusuke took care to gingerly remove the car seat, cooing at the newborn the entire time, as Ren gathered the numerous bags they had (some supplies, some gifts) from the trunk. He smiled at his husband, who, upon noticing he was being watched, smiled back.

Within their small house, the nursery was exactly how they left it: an array of constellations atop a navy background, painted by Yusuke, adorned the wall behind the crib, while various pieces of outer space-themed décor accented the otherwise white room. A couple of boxes were scattered in a far corner, but aside from that, the room was spotless.

The room was completed with the mobile atop the crib, which had glow-in the dark stars hanging from it, exactly like the ones Yusuke had gifted his husband so many years ago.

Once the carrier was settled on the ground, Yusuke gently, ever so gently, brought Kiyoko out of her seat and into his arms. The infant squirmed slightly at the movement, but calmed down once she was against her father’s chest. Yusuke seated himself in the rocking chair nestled in the corner of the room. Ren, previously observing his husband and daughter ( _his daughter_ , he thought, he couldn’t stop thinking), made himself comfortable on the carpet next to them.

“Hey there, you getting used to your room? You know, your papa worked very hard to make it look pretty,” he cooed. Kiyoko appeared to hear her father’s voice, as she shifted her head to the side, blinking slowly at Ren as if she were trying to comprehend what he had said.

Yusuke smirked. “Will I be referred to as her papa now?” he curiously asked, teasing the infant with his finger. She couldn’t quite grip onto it yet, but she certainly tried reaching for it. She was definitely attentive, Ren observed from his position next to them.

“If you don’t want to be called that-” Ren began, only to be interrupted by a babble of noises from Kiyoko that did not sound happy at all.

Yusuke instinctively bounced her in his arms. He hoped the movement would be soothing enough so she wouldn’t start crying, but he was unsure as to whether or not it actually comforted the baby.

“This is… entirely unfamiliar to me,” he admitted. He had a confused look in his eyes, completely befuddled as Kiyoko actually began to mellow out. He looked down at her, noting how the movement calmed her. Ren’s gaze shifted from his daughter, then back to his husband. His face softened into an expression of serene contemplation.

“The mere fact that this little one is mine- no, _ours_ , is, to be frank, terrifying,” Yusuke continued, bringing Ren back to reality.

“Hmm? Yusuke, we’re new to this. All parents think like that at first,” Ren replied. _I’m scared, too_ was what he wanted to reply with, but he refused to admit it. He was always a stubborn one. He instead brought his hand to Kiyoko’s face, caressing her cheek delicately. She squeezed her eyes shut in response, but did not seem to be bothered.

 “I… what if I am unable to provide enough for her? What if my parenting skills are insufficient? What if she grows up to resent me?” Yusuke questioned. He never thought he’d make it past high school, let alone grow old enough to have a budding family he could call his own. He hadn’t the slightest clue how to care for a newborn. The multitude of parenting classes he insisted on signing the both of them up for could not prepare him for the reality that a tiny human being _relied_ on him now.

“Yusuke, love, you don’t give yourself nearly enough credit. All of our agencies thought you could do it. We wouldn’t be here right now if they didn’t see you as capable. _I_ think you can do it,” Ren responded, voice as kind and unwavering as ever. It was the same voice that had reassured him so many times before.

 _Ah, yes,_ Yusuke thought. _I am no longer alone._ Ren was his rock, more than willing to take on anything and everything, standing by Yusuke’s side the entire time.

It still wasn’t quite enough to ease his worries, however. At the same time, he _was_ alone. Ren (and now Kiyoko) were really his only family. Their other friends, the ones they had made way back in high school, were now far away from them, living their own lives. Even Ren’s parents were distant, only stopping by for the occasional holiday when conflicting schedules allowed for it.

“I thought of myself as being confident until I saw her for the first time. Having her be… tangible and in front of me brought forth all of these fears,” he said. Even that was a lie. He never felt less confident in his life than he did in the last year. The waiting game they endured gave him more and more time for his doubts to fester in his head, similar to how they had previously manifested themselves in his childhood and adolescence.  

Yet, to Yusuke, having Kiyoko in his arms at that moment felt instinctual, albeit somewhat alien. The newborn had nestled herself in the crook of Yusuke’s arm, sound asleep with her fist balled up by her mouth.

The tension in his shoulders eased up considerably as he allowed himself to sink into the soft cushioning of the rocking chair. _This will certainly become our new normal with time,_ he reminded himself. Yes, it was just another change. A massive one, but a change that could be adapted to, nonetheless.

After all, it is what the couple wanted in the end. Yusuke absentmindedly ran the tip of his finger around the wispy tufts of Kiyoko’s hair in a soothing, repetitive motion. Ren’s gaze shifted toward the repetitive motion as he allowed his eyes to unfocus and his mind to relax for the first time in a long while.

“I have to admit, I feel a lot better now that she’s home,” he began, pulling Yusuke from his introspection. “The past few months have been so chaotic, and now that she’s here… it seems like everything’s at peace.”

“Give it a couple of hours, she will certainly prove you wrong with her crying,” Yusuke quipped. Ren, although aware that Yusuke was completely serious, still couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I take it you’re feeling a little more comfortable with the ‘being a parent’ thing?” Ren responded.

“Mm, it appears so. Maybe your observation was correct, then,” Yusuke said. “I suppose we will have to let time tell.”

The two didn’t say anything else, instead letting everything sink in. Ren shifted from his previous position, gently nudging his husband aside so he could make room for himself on the chair. His motions were slow and deliberate, as to not jostle them too much.

Settled halfway in Yusuke’s lap, Ren wrapped one arm around his husband’s shoulders. His free arm settled where Yusuke was holding Kiyoko. From here, he was able to notice the little details. How her mouth was slightly open, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed (even through the swaddled blanket), to her tiny fingernails.

“…she’s beautiful, you know,” he said in a whisper, breaking the silence.

Yusuke nodded. “Absolutely, without a doubt.” A surge of inspiration had flooded him; at that moment he experienced love with an intensity that he didn’t think was possible. Love not only for his daughter, but for his husband who stood by him through everything. Alongside that, he was nearly overwhelmed with pride; pride that he escaped from his abusive guardian and made it on his own.

He wished his mother could see him now. She, too, would be proud.

**Author's Note:**

> hi again!  
> i've had this idea stuck in my head for a few months now, involving yusuke's abusive childhood causing him to question his own abilities as a new parent, and this came out of that  
> i'm not 100% sure on how the adoption process works in japan, but i did a little bit of research for this, hopefully i kept things general enough so they aren't completely inaccurate ehehe  
> also i used ren as the protag's name here because i thought amamiya-kitagawa flowed better than kurusu-kitagawa  
> i intended for this to be a drabble, but 2.7k words later... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> title is song lyrics once again, this time from aquaman by walk the moon
> 
> feel free to leave a tip at my [ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/A47338MM) as well! i'd really appreciate it!!


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